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Tuesday, May 05, 2009

everytime I fall, You picked me up.
And I will get back up, stronger. Because of You.

--

Ever felt useless, disappointed at yourself? Thinking that no one else on earth can disappoint you more than yourself.

Exactly.

when you fall that hard, do you choose to stay there, and even dig a hole in the ground and bury yourself even deeper. Or are you going to stand back up and keep walking The Walk?

So this feeling has been lingering in me for months and months. And a month ago it overwhelmed me. More and beyond what I ever thought I could control. And this brought my emotions inside out. I have never faced myself in such a "raw", "honest" way- No more excuses, no more comforting words to cloud that image of who I truly am... Till now, I could only say that it was a bittersweet image.
It has come to a period of my life that I have to stop lying to myself about how awesome life can be by my own strength and plan. It's time that God showed me who I am without Him. Absolutely weak and vulnerable, easily crushed by anything from this harsh cruel world. Awesome teaching from God huh?

Not really.

I am truamatised. Absolutely truamatised. To the extent of not knowing what to pray for. I'm not sure if that's what God intended. Maybe it's just me processing this a little too slowly. Not understanding why.
So everytime I step out of that exam hall, everytime I complete a test, even everytime I finish a tutorial class, I had to go through this torturous process of feeling crushed and disappointed because what I just did was the exact replica of what happened before.
As much as I would like to listen to awesome sermons that tells us "not to live in the past", it doesn't seem as easy. How can I forget what happened before

And He spoke. snapped me out of that state instantly.

"Dont ever label yourself. Because I did not label you as one of them. I named you. I created you"

Mind-blowingly simple truth... yet so easy to slip out of my mind.

How many times have I said to myself, I belong to the bottom of the bottom half of the cohort. So, before I even step into that exam hall or that room, I prepared myself for that same old crushing feeling when I come out.

But by what authority can I label/catergorize/allow myself to see myself that way; to feel that way?
Even God didnt put me in a group. He created me as a single, individual unique Child of God to shine for Him in this World.
Each and everytime I fall, He picked me up. He didn't wait for my group of friends to fall before He picked us up altogether (just to save the trouble...). Imagine it would be so much easier for Him to just scoop us all up together. :D But the God I know, is that Personal God that will be there for you and only you.

It doesn't take a dozen 45 mins sermons that are rephrased a dozen different ways to have it drum-ed that into your mind, drilled into your heart, sunk into your soul.

All it takes is a desperate heart; ever-thirsting for God.

My confession;
Jesus, Take the wheel.Save me from this Road I'm on.

Much Love,
J.

SPREADIN` RHYTHM AROUND

ad infinitum;
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